Infidelity is one of the most significant stressors in a relationship and a common cause of marital divorce or cohabitational separation. Infidelity has a broad impact on the well-being of the one cheated on and can result in loss of trust, various negative emotions (including anger, bitterness, or shame), fear of rejection, and weakening of self-confidence. Sometimes it acts in the human mind as a justification for getting rid of a relationship that has often been difficult for a long time.<\/p>\n
The cheated person\u2019s cognitive assessment of the situation (including, among other things: perceptions, appreciations and responsibility themes) determines the stress reactions that the person experiences: the more harmful the person perceives the situation and the more responsibility he or she places on his or her partner, the more he or she experiences stress. This in turn increases e.g., risk of depression and anxiety disorder.<\/p>\n
In my experience, infidelity fits very well for the experience of both the cheater and the cheated person to be treated with eye movement therapy. My client case in this writing is a 41-year-old woman (I call her Milla here) who, at the age of 25, had been dating for a year with a man who had been unfaithful to her. Meanwhile, Milla had competed at the national team level in sports.<\/p>\n
In EMDR therapy with Milla, a phone call that Milla had received 20 years earlier from a health center was chosen as the starting point for the target memory. She was told on the phone that a sexually transmitted disease had been found in the urine sample previously given by Milla. Milla had had symptoms related to this. The time of the target memory was limited from the phone call to when Milla had picked up the medication prescribed to her by the doctor from the pharmacy and discussed her partner\u2019s infidelity with him that evening. The man had initially denied everything, but eventually told Milla that he had betrayed her with Milla's fellow student friend. In her mind, Milla compared herself to that woman and experienced inferiority. She had ended the relationship that night.<\/p>\n
I asked Milla to focus on the worst moment of the target memory, which was the disappointment at the time of the incident that she did not feel good enough for the man. I instructed her to name a negative thought about herself related to that event and the representative image of it. Milla said \u201cI\u2019m not good enough\u201d<\/em>\u201d. As an alternative positive cognition to be related to the target memory, Milla chose the opposite to the negative cognition \u201cI am good enough\u201d<\/em> and its reality felt like a 1 (= feels completely wrong) on a scale of 1 of 7, before starting desensitization. At the appointment, the target memory evoked feelings of dirtiness, disappointment, sadness, guilt, and shame in Milla, both on mind and body level, and she felt that the intensity of the disturbance of the image related to the target memory was 5 on a scale of 0 to 10.<\/p>\n Bilateral visual stimulation was initiated with Milla focusing on the target memory and attaching the negative thought about herself to it. Described below is the stepwise processing of Milla's (M) mind as bilateral stimulation (BLS) progresses and lasts approximately 20 to 30 seconds at a time. To reduce the length of the text, each step of the bilateral stimulation is not marked, but they always recur with the relatively same duration after Milla\u2019s response:<\/p>\n M1: \u201cI remember when I left the doctor's office.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n BLS<\/p>\n M2: \u201cI remember wondering why this happened to me, blaming myself for that disease.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M3: \u201cI\u2019m telling that to the guy and I demand him to tell me who she was\u2026 It feels like the ground is falling out from underneath my feet.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M4: \u201cI\u2019m thinking all the time why I wasn\u2019t worthy of him and what he has got from the other.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M5: \u201cNow I\u2019m thinking about that my brother always criticizes me for my appearance.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I ask Milla to return to the target memory: \u201cLet\u2019s get back to the target memory, what\u2019s happening now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M6: \u201cI remember I thought what my parents would say about this. I felt like I had completely failed.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M7: \u201cI remember that I burst into tears at the health station. I remember when that nurse said everything\u2019s going to be alright. I said to the nurse that this is bullshit, but the nurse just looked at me kindly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M8: \u201cI remember that I repeatedly said to myself that I never want to get into this situation again.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M9: \u201cI remember when I was cheated in another relationship as well.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I say: \u201cLet\u2019s get back to the target memory, what\u2019s happening now?\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s get back to the target memory, what\u2019s happening now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M10: \u201cMy anger starts to rise.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M11: \u201cI remember that I couldn\u2019t be compassionate towards myself. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m angry with the guy or myself, but I\u2019m pretty sure that hatred is towards myself.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M12: \u201cWhy did I trust other people when this happened, now I see others as enemies.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M13: \u201cNow I see that nurse as good and that guy as bad.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M14: \u201cI feel like I can hear the voice of that nurse as a very small stream and the voice of that guy as a big bad rapid that rumbles in my head.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M15: \u201cI return to that phone call from the health center, and I just hear it as really friendly. But I'm still wondering what's wrong with me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M16: \u201cI don\u2019t know who I\u2019m now posing these questions about not sufficing to.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M17: \u201cI can see from even the guy\u2019s face that he\u2019s worried. All the time I\u2019m just crying about why he has done it. Why can't I move on from here?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I make a cognitive intervention and ask: \"Why can\u2019t you move on?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M18: \u201cI\u2019m just marking time\u2026 I don't know\u2026 There\u2019s no door.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M19: \u201cI trusted a person, and someone can do that, pull the rug out from under me\u2026 I\u2019m stuck.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I ask him to return to the target memory and ask for its disturbance on a scale of 0 to 10.<\/p>\n M20: \"I don\u2019t know, there's nothing more to disturb me than why am I blaming myself?\"<\/em><\/p>\n I make a cognitive intervention and ask: \u201cWell why are you doing that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M21: \"I don't know... This is not a competition\u2026 Why am I competing against myself?\" <\/em><\/p>\n I make a cognitive intervention and ask: \u201cWas that infidelity your fault?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M22: \u201cIt wasn\u2019t, that\u2019s how I want to believe.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M23: \u201cI\u2019ve been taught at home that everyone takes responsibility for their actions.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M24: \u201cI couldn\u2019t have done anything better in that situation.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M25: : \u201cNow I remember a situation from my childhood where I always had to let the balloon into the air before going to the car\u2026 I remember when I let it\u2026 I remember that feeling\u2026 Now I feel like I\u2019d like to go and buy a balloon and let it go into the air\u2026 I feel that it would be just fine.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M26: \u201cNow I feel like I can feel whatever I want, and no one can access or spoil them.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M27: \"Words and actions hurt but I can\u2019t influence others\u2026 I don\u2019t know, I feel strong.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I said: \u201cLet\u2019s get back to the target memory, what\u2019s happening now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n M28: \u201cIt comes to my mind that I\u2019m stronger than the other one\u2026 Nothing else comes to my mind.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I ask him to return to the target memory and ask for its disturbance on a scale of 0 to 10.<\/p>\n Milla answers: \"Zero.\"<\/em><\/p>\n After neutralizing the target memory, Milla and I checked the suitability of the positive cognition (\u201cI am good enough\u201d<\/em>) to the target memory, and she estimated it to fit and feel real as 4 out of a scale of 1 to 7. The positive cognition was strengthened until it felt completely real in relation to the target memory. It took a total of 75 minutes to process the memory of infidelity into neutral and relate the positive cognition into it. After that, Milla described herself as calm and said she was feeling well in her body. Finally, she stated: \u201cMaybe I\u2019m competing against myself somehow\u2026 If I dared to show myself my weaknesses, I could be pretty strong.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Kiitos Milla, olet huikean vahva!<\/p>\n <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Uskottomuus on yksi merkitt\u00e4vimpi\u00e4 parisuhteen stressitekij\u00f6it\u00e4 ja yleinen avio- tai avoeron syy. V\u00e4est\u00f6liiton FINSEX-tutkimuksen mukaan uskottomuus parisuhteessa on viime vuosina v\u00e4hentynyt ja samalla asenteet uskottomuutta kohtaan ovat tiukentuneet. Koko el\u00e4m\u00e4ns\u00e4 aikana uskottomia on ollut noin 39 prosenttia miehist\u00e4 ja 30 prosenttia naisista. Huomattava osa ihmisist\u00e4 ei hyv\u00e4ksy kumppaninsa uskottomuutta: v\u00e4est\u00f6st\u00e4 n\u00e4in tekee vain 5\u201315 prosenttia, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[44,17,41,43],"class_list":["post-1681","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-share-your-story","tag-ahdistus","tag-emdr-terapia","tag-silmanliiketerapia","tag-uskottomuus"],"yoast_head":"\n